Help

I guess I’ll get off here. It’s a good a place as any. I’ve been in this town forever. It feels like I can get off anywhere and I’ll know how to get to my destination. I hope that it’s already dark when I get out of the tunnel. I hope my small decisions today will help me tomorrow. I hope all of this can do something for me. I can’t remember anything about my past and I have no direction on where my future can go. I am living in the now. The now is constantly nothing. Small things inspire and that’s it. You can’t really talk about how fucking awful you are mostly all the time. And the fact that you can’t feel like you can move forward and you don’t dare look at what is behind you. You just go. You try to get by. You try to forget about the boredom and the waiting and the stalling and the missed connections, missed opportunities, small failures overtime. The fact that the color of your skin is responsible for so much, bullshit white America and it’s money and the fact that you hate it and you despise yourself for knowing you rely on the money so much for your things, for the fucking roof over your head, for everything you do with your friends, or lovers, Showing affection by spending money on someone. Money is value, money is love here. It’s crazy. And you go and you go and it doesn’t ever feel like you get much of a chance for air. You get nothing but lost memories, or fragmented memories of a happy time, a time that made you smile. A time that made you forget about everything. I think that thing is falling in love with somebody. After you do that nothing is ever the same again. Ever. It fucks you up forever. For the rest of your life. You felt it. You felt SOMETHING for once. You forgot about yourself. You lose yourself in another person. It’s insane. It’s the most insane thing I’ve ever done. And even if it ends and you move on, its already over. You crave what you had again. You stack it up next to your past lovers. You go searching for something similar, or something entirely different, just so you can forget about something that was so good. Because if you focus on that specifc thing you will lose your goddamn mind and walk in your own mucus shit. It’s what you end up doing anyways. Crawling around in your own clouded mind. Adding substances, becoming addicted to something that will take your mind of of it. You question your whole life, your whole morality.